Let's smile, jokes :)

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    Persephone
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    Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Persephone on Sun 22 Feb 2009, 14:16

    One day, an old man and an old woman from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch. The man says, "Ya know, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good."

    As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him. "Actually, it's as sharp as ever."

    After a couple minutes of silence, he started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Thu 26 Feb 2009, 18:44

    The MAN Test



    1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

    2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pinched, you're so queer.

    3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

    4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

    5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

    6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

    7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

    8. If you do not send this off to all the males because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an ass puncher.

    OH YEAH.............. IF THIS OFFENDS YOU........YOURE A POOFTER TOO!........................................................ BUSTED
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Thu 26 Feb 2009, 22:26

    A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen
    crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.

    The man firmly ranted & raved that he was holding her personally
    responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to threaten
    about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

    Shortly before landing in New York she announced over the intercom
    to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise his hand and come forward?'

    Not one hand went up, nobody moved ... so she took them home and
    ate them herself.
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    Angelic
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:03

    To make a woman happy, man has to be:

    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate
    44. compassionate

    Without forgetting to:

    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    And at the same time he must also:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    It's very important:

    54. Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes

    On the other hand, to make a man happy, women has to:

    1. Show up naked
    2. Serve the food
    3. Bring the beer


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Fri 27 Feb 2009, 17:16

    Angelic wrote:[color=indigo]To make a woman happy, man has to be:


    46. love shopping

    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls




    46. impossible task
    48. improbable
    49. again impossible
    50. very unlikely

    Hmm
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Fri 27 Feb 2009, 19:04

    A Great Aussie Love Story, equal to Romeo and Juliet.

    Dazza is driving over the Gateway Bridge one day when he sees his
    girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

    Dazza slams on the brakes and yells:

    'Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?'

    Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

    'G'day Dazza. You got me preggas, so now I'm gonna kill meself'.



    Dazza gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

    'Shazza',he says

    'Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too'

    Then drives off.
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    unfortunate names

    Post by Guest on Sat 28 Feb 2009, 01:27

    Most Unfortunate Real Names in Britain: Parents really do need to think carefully before naming their children. According to bbc.co.uk, these are real names some folk have been burdened with: Justin Case, Barb Dwyer, Stan Still, Terry Bull, Paige Turner, Mary Christmas, Anna Sasin, Doug Hole, Hazel Nutt, Rose Bush, Anna Prentice, Annette Curtain, Bill Board, Pearl Button, Jo King, Barry Cade, Carrie Oakey, Priti Manek, Tim Burr, Jenny Taylor (think about it) and Ivy Plant.
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    framarjoe
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    password!(joke)

    Post by framarjoe on Sat 28 Feb 2009, 09:48

    .... Women helping hubby set up computer

    for a password hubby types penis -wife fell off chair

    laughing when computer replied password

    rejected - not long enough!
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by framarjoe on Sat 28 Feb 2009, 09:50

    "Why do people lose their hearing as they get older?"
    "It's God's mercy on them, so they don't have to listen to any more bullshit."
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by framarjoe on Sun 01 Mar 2009, 07:39

    Guy's reaction to girls wearing shorts: "Wow legs".
    Girl's reaction to guys wearing shorts: "Wow eggs".
    Wink
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Tue 03 Mar 2009, 14:21

    SEX is like snow. You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long will it last. Dots


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    why i fired my secretary!

    Post by Guest on Wed 04 Mar 2009, 03:32

    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well
    waking up on that morning..

    I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant
    and say,
    "Happy Birthday!",
    and possibly have a small present for me.

    As it turned out, she barely said good morning,
    let alone " Happy Birthday."

    I thought...
    Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids....
    They will remember.

    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
    and didn't say a word.
    So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low
    and somewhat despondent.


    As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
    "Good Morning Boss,
    and by the way Happy Birthday ! "
    It felt a little better
    that at least someone had remembered.


    I worked until one o'clock ,when Jane knocked on my door
    and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
    and it is your Birthday,
    what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
    I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all
    day.
    Let's go !"

    We went to lunch.
    But we didn't go where we normally would go.
    She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
    We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

    On the way back to the office,
    Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...
    We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

    I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?"
    She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

    After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
    " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom
    for just a moment. I'll be right back."



    "Ok." I nervously replied.

    She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of
    minutes,
    she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
    Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends
    and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".


    And I just sat there...

    On the couch...

    Naked..
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by izy19 on Wed 04 Mar 2009, 15:43

    A young boy comes to school on a monday with a brand new rolex watch. He is bragging about it to his friends and then his friend asked, "Oi Ben howd you get the watch?"
    The boy replies "Oh Dave, I walked up stairs to ask my mummy and daddy what was for dinner, and they were doing something weird on the bed..." The school bell rings and they both go home.
    Later that day, Dave goes up into his mother and father's room and they to were doing this "weird thing on the bed". Daves father yells at him,
    "DAVE GET OUT OF THE ROOM NOW!!"
    Dave replies "But dad! I wanna watch!!!"
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by izy19 on Wed 04 Mar 2009, 15:44

    There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
    When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
    "What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
    "A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by izy19 on Wed 04 Mar 2009, 15:45

    A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?"
    "That's your father."
    "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by izy19 on Wed 04 Mar 2009, 15:46

    Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
    "I froze to death," says the second.
    "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
    "It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
    "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
    "What do you mean?" asks the first man.
    "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Sun 08 Mar 2009, 18:48

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert,
    hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
    "Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll
    eat the liver."
    "I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
    "I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Sun 08 Mar 2009, 22:09

    izy19 wrote:
    "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"

    its me!!!!!!!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Tue 10 Mar 2009, 00:51

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
    a
    Christmas gift.

    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift...

    When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
    gift I
    bought you last year!"



    And that's how the fight started.....
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Tue 10 Mar 2009, 00:55

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




    Dear Mum & Dad,

    I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

    At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

    This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

    Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

    Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

    I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

    Your loving daughter,

    Sheila
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    guts.....or balls

    Post by Guest on Wed 11 Mar 2009, 07:37

    Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys and, on being met by your wife with a broom, asking

    "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smeeling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying

    "You're next!"
    No
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    the elderly gent

    Post by Guest on Wed 11 Mar 2009, 23:13

    An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one
    evening.

    He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

    The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were
    still very much in love.
    While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful, after all these years, you still call
    your wife those loving pet names.

    The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
    'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:16

    "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Sat 14 Mar 2009, 16:08

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed:

    'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.


    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

    He arose,

    cooked breakfast for his mate,

    awakened the kids,

    set out their school clothes,

    fed them breakfast,

    packed their lunches,

    drove them to school,

    come home and picked up the dry cleaning,

    took it to the cleaners

    and stopped at the bank to make a deposit.

    went grocery shopping,

    then drove home to put away the groceries,

    paid the bills and balanced the check book.

    He cleaned the cat's little box and bathed the dog.

    Then it was already 1 p.m.

    And he hurried to make the beds,

    do the laundry,

    vacuum,

    dust,

    and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

    Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

    Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

    Then, set up the ironing board and watched tv while he did the ironing.

    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

    After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,

    ran the dishwasher,

    folded laundry,

    bathed the kids,

    and put them to bed.

    At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get though without complaint.


    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

    'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

    'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by damageink on Sun 15 Mar 2009, 23:27

    a family were driving behind a garbage truck.when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.embarrassed,and to spear here young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says its only a insect, her sun says to her wow, how did it get off the ground with a big cock like that

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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

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