Let's smile, jokes :)

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    guts.....or balls

    Post by Guest on Wed 11 Mar 2009, 07:37

    Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys and, on being met by your wife with a broom, asking

    "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

    Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smeeling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying

    "You're next!"
    No

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    the elderly gent

    Post by Guest on Wed 11 Mar 2009, 23:13

    An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one
    evening.

    He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

    The couple had been married almost 70 years and clearly, they were
    still very much in love.
    While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful, after all these years, you still call
    your wife those loving pet names.

    The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said,
    'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

    Angelic
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Thu 12 Mar 2009, 15:16

    "Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."

    Angelic
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Sat 14 Mar 2009, 16:08

    A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through, so he prayed:

    'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

    God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.


    The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

    He arose,

    cooked breakfast for his mate,

    awakened the kids,

    set out their school clothes,

    fed them breakfast,

    packed their lunches,

    drove them to school,

    come home and picked up the dry cleaning,

    took it to the cleaners

    and stopped at the bank to make a deposit.

    went grocery shopping,

    then drove home to put away the groceries,

    paid the bills and balanced the check book.

    He cleaned the cat's little box and bathed the dog.

    Then it was already 1 p.m.

    And he hurried to make the beds,

    do the laundry,

    vacuum,

    dust,

    and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

    Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

    Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

    Then, set up the ironing board and watched tv while he did the ironing.

    At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

    After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,

    ran the dishwasher,

    folded laundry,

    bathed the kids,

    and put them to bed.

    At 9 p.m. he was exhausted and though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get though without complaint.


    The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

    'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

    The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

    'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

    damageink
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by damageink on Sun 15 Mar 2009, 23:27

    a family were driving behind a garbage truck.when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.embarrassed,and to spear here young sons innocence, the mother turns around and says its only a insect, her sun says to her wow, how did it get off the ground with a big cock like that
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Mon 16 Mar 2009, 19:04

    A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

    During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

    "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

    The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Tue 17 Mar 2009, 03:17

    I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? ..............
    ........... Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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    framarjoe
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by framarjoe on Tue 17 Mar 2009, 17:31

    Quality certificate

    A Quality Analysis Engineer married an average girl

    After 24 months of tough life with her, finally the Engineer got angry and sent a note to his father-in-law stating that:

    'Your product is not meeting my requirements'

    The smart father-in-law replies,

    'Warranty expired, Manufacturer not responsible'
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    doctor takes a day off

    Post by Guest on Thu 19 Mar 2009, 03:06

    /'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to
    close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take good
    care of all me patients'./

    'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy./

    /The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and
    asks: So, Murphy, how was your day?'/

    /Murphy told him that he took care of three patients./
    'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him
    Paracetamol.'/
    'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor./

    'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so
    I did sir' says Murphy./

    'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third
    one?' Asks the doctor./
    'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open
    and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt
    outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including
    her bra and her pants and lies down on the table, spreading her
    legs and shouts:

    'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I
    have not seen any man!''/
    'Tunderin' Lard Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?' asks the
    doctor./
    /'I put drops in her eyes.'/
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Sun 22 Mar 2009, 08:30

    A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?

    " The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left!

    A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

    A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

    The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.

    Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

    A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

    The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

    Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said.......

    "Your house."
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by izy19 on Sun 22 Mar 2009, 17:41

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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    and then the fight started

    Post by Guest on Wed 25 Mar 2009, 02:00

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

    I bought her a scale.

    And then the fight started...


    > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

    And then the fight started...


    > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

    And then the fight started...



    > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------




    My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

    My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

    'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

    'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

    And then the fight started...



    > --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

    "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

    Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started...

    ---------------------------------

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
    'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

    And then the fight started.....

    ------------------------------------

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

    I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

    And then the fight started....

    --------------------------------------------

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

    and then the fight started.....

    ---------------------------------------------

    A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

    Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

    The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

    So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

    A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

    The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

    And then the fight started.....

    ----------------------------------------------------

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

    I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

    And then the fight started ...


    ---------------------------------------------------

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

    It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

    So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

    And that's when the fight started....

    - - -

    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

    "No," she answered.

    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And that's when the fight started....

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

    'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

    and then the fight started...

    -------------------------------
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    irish

    Post by Guest on Wed 01 Apr 2009, 22:33

    Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
    Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
    Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'


    Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
    The man said, 'I do, Father.'
    The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
    Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
    'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
    'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
    Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
    O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
    The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
    O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



    Paddy was in New York .
    He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
    He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
    After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

    Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
    'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
    'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'


    An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
    He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
    'Just water,' says the priest.
    The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
    The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
    'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
    'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
    'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
    She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'


    Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
    He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
    Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
    He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
    In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
    She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
    Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
    'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror. ............

    and dont forget where siberia is eh ang Laughing
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    little harry

    Post by Guest on Wed 01 Apr 2009, 22:40

    LITTLE HARRY ON MATHS (Part 1)
    A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and
    you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
    She calls on little Harry.
    He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
    The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
    Then little Harry says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.
    There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
    One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
    The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone.
    The third is biting off the top of the ice cream..
    Which one is married?'
    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
    that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
    To which Little Harry replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the
    wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

    LITTLE HARRY ON MATH (Part 2)
    Little Harry returns from school and says he got an 'F' in arithmetic.
    'Why'? asks the father.
    'The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3', so I said 6', replies Harry.
    'But that's right' says his father.
    'Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2'
    'What's the f*ckin' difference?' asks the father.
    'That's what I said' replied Harry.

    LITTLE HARRY ON ENGLISH
    Little Harry goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words in our class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
    Harry says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
    Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, Harry, that's a real mouthful.'
    Little Harry says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'

    LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR
    Little Harry was sitting in the class one day.
    All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom....
    He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to go take a piss!!'
    The teacher replied, 'Now Harry, that is NOT the proper word to use in
    this situation. The correct word you want to is, 'I need to Urinate'.
    Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will
    allow you to go..'
    Little Harry thinks for a bit, and then says, 'YOUR'E AN EIGHT, but if
    you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN'

    LITTLE HARRY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
    First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
    bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it.'
    'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher..
    She then called on little Michael.
    'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautifully'
    She said, 'Excellent, Michael, excellent.'
    Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Harry.
    'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
    pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*ckin' beautiful'.

    LITTLE HARRY ON GETTING OLDER
    Little Harry was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar
    after another.
    After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
    'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
    you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
    Little Harry replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'
    The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

    Little Harry answered, 'No, he just minded his own f*ckin' business.

    I LOVE Little HARRY !!!
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    two dwarfs

    Post by Guest on Tue 07 Apr 2009, 02:47

    Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
    The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting cries of..'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE UGH...Here I come again! ONE,TWO, THREE, UGH!'
    This went on all night long.
    In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?'
    The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing. I couldn't get an erection.'
    The second dwarf shook his head. ''You think that's embarrassing? I
    couldn't even get on the bed.'
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Thu 09 Apr 2009, 08:06

    It was Jim’s birthday, and he was considered to be an “old man” by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim’s friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

    The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door. When Jim answered, she said “Hi I’m your birthday present!”

    Startled, he asked “What am I supposed to do with you?”

    “I’m yours for super sex,” she answers.

    So Jim replied “Well, I’m 75 years old so I’ll have the soup.”


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    women in charge of everything

    Post by Guest on Wed 15 Apr 2009, 23:24

    (Women In Charge Of Everything)

    Is proud to announce the opening of its
    EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
    OPEN TO MEN ONLY
    ALL ARE WELCOME

    Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

    The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

    DAY ONE

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Roundtable discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE;
    DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
    OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
    Debate among a panel of experts.

    REMOTE CONTROL
    Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place
    Instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
    Open forum

    DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
    DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
    Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH;
    BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
    PowerPoint presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did

    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
    AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
    Driving simulation

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
    & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
    Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT;
    LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
    Individual counsellors available
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    shipwrecked australian

    Post by Guest on Mon 20 Apr 2009, 04:02

    An Aussie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
    Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
    Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
    island.

    After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
    animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
    One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
    cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for
    romance.

    As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
    the lonely Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his
    arm around it.

    But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
    until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

    After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
    together, but there was no more cuddling.

    A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
    shipwreck.

    The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
    woman the man had ever seen.
    She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly
    nursed her back to health.

    When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
    evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
    red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night
    of romance.

    Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get 'those feelings' again.
    He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in
    and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young
    woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,











    'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Mon 20 Apr 2009, 17:07

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.


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    a boy gets on a bus

    Post by Guest on Sun 26 Apr 2009, 01:16

    A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.

    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'
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    Persephone
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Persephone on Sun 17 May 2009, 20:54

    To make a woman happy ..... A man only needs to be:

    1. A friend
    2. A companion
    3. A lover
    4. A brother
    5. A father
    6. A master
    7. A chef
    8. An electrician
    9. A carpenter
    10. A plumber
    11. A mechanic
    12. A decorator
    13. A stylist
    14. A psychologist
    15. A pest exterminator
    16. A psychiatrist
    17. A healer
    18. A good listener
    19. An organizer
    20. A good father
    21. Very clean
    22. Sympathetic
    23. Athletic
    24. Warm
    25. Attentive
    26. Gallant
    27. Intelligent
    28. Funny
    29. Creative
    30. Tender
    31. Strong
    32. Understanding
    33. Tolerant
    34. Prudent
    35. Ambitious
    36. Capable
    37. Courageous
    38. Determined
    39. True
    40. Dependable
    41. Passionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


    42. Give her compliments regularly
    43. Love shopping
    44. be honest
    45. be very rich
    46. Not stress her out
    47. Not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    48. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    49. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    50. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    51. Never to forget: Birthdays, Anniversaries, Arrangements she makes


    And...


    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

    1. Leave him alone


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    Marie
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Marie on Sun 17 May 2009, 21:08

    IF MEN GOT PREGNANT...

    1. Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay.

    2. There would be a cure for stretch marks.

    3. Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

    4. Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

    5. All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

    6. Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

    7. Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

    8. They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

    9. Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.

    10. Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

    11. Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

    12. They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

    13. Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.

    14. Women would rule the world!!!
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    Angelic
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Thu 21 May 2009, 23:22

    Why are men like lobsters? Because everything on them is good, except the head.... Lmao


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    framarjoe
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by framarjoe on Tue 02 Jun 2009, 20:56

    ...They said if a black man became president pigs would fly. Only 100 days into his presidency and look... PIG'S FLU!!!
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Thu 04 Jun 2009, 00:42

    framarjoe wrote: ...They said if a black man became president pigs would fly. Only 100 days into his presidency and look... PIG'S FLU!!!


    Thumbs up Thumbs up
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by framarjoe on Thu 04 Jun 2009, 12:57

    ...Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Sun 07 Jun 2009, 09:45

    ramblin rose..........


    One would have to say that this Man was miss-understood..

    Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to
    misconstrue…

    A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on
    to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her
    door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you
    remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'


    She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door
    and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is
    stunned.


    'What was that for?' he asked.

    She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night
    and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting
    up against a garden wall'
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Mon 08 Jun 2009, 23:52

    Fix The Dents
    how to fix dents
    i might even suggest this to some of my customers

    A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

    Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

    The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

    He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,

    and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.

    Nothing happened.

    She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,

    "What are you doing?"

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her

    to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.



    Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,

    ..."HELLLLOOOO!!!

    You need to roll up the windows."




    Lmao
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:09

    the australian and the sheep.......

    An Aussie walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

    The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

    The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:12

    RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

    Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.

    They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for a new zippy little car which is called the "Clitaurus".

    The car comes with a pink interior and fur on the bumpers.

    Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.


    It's recommended as a woman's car as many men may not be able to find it, especially in the dark.


    Lmao Lmao Lmao

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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

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