Let's smile, jokes :)

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    framarjoe
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by framarjoe on Thu 04 Jun 2009, 12:57

    ...Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Sun 07 Jun 2009, 09:45

    ramblin rose..........


    One would have to say that this Man was miss-understood..

    Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to
    misconstrue…

    A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on
    to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her
    door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you
    remind me of a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'


    She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door
    and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is
    stunned.


    'What was that for?' he asked.

    She said 'I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night
    and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting
    up against a garden wall'

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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Mon 08 Jun 2009, 23:52

    Fix The Dents
    how to fix dents
    i might even suggest this to some of my customers

    A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

    Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

    The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

    He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,

    and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.

    Nothing happened.

    She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

    Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,

    "What are you doing?"

    The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her

    to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.



    Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,

    ..."HELLLLOOOO!!!

    You need to roll up the windows."




    Lmao

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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:09

    the australian and the sheep.......

    An Aussie walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

    The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

    The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Thu 11 Jun 2009, 21:12

    RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE

    Renault & Ford are working together to build a small car.

    They are using the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus as a basis for a new zippy little car which is called the "Clitaurus".

    The car comes with a pink interior and fur on the bumpers.

    Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.


    It's recommended as a woman's car as many men may not be able to find it, especially in the dark.


    Lmao Lmao Lmao
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    your annual dementia test

    Post by Guest on Sun 28 Jun 2009, 21:41

    It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
    Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
    As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.
    If you don't use it, you lose it!
    Below is a private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
    Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
    The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've decided on your answer.
    OK????????
    Now relax, clear your mind and begin.





    1. What do you put in a toaster?










    Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
    Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.











    2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?










    Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.





    3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?











    Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks, ' why are you still reading these???
    If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.





    4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fa tally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?












    Answer: You don't bury survivors.
    If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question.




    5.. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from Lon don to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swenson, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on . In Carmarthen , six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
    What was the name of the bus driver?







    Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
    Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!


    PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
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    Angelic
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Sun 05 Jul 2009, 18:39

    Jamaican fireman came home from work, one day and said to his wife,
    "Y'know sumptin woman, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station."
    Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
    Bell 2 rings we slide down de pole.
    Bell 3 rings -we jump on de engine and we's ready to go.

    "From now on woman, when I say, 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
    When I say, 'Bell two' you jump on de bed.

    When I say, 'Bell three' we's gonna mek love all tru de night girl."
    The next night, he came home and shouted, "Bell One" and the wife stripped
    naked! "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed!
    "Bell Three" and they started to make love!
    After a few minutes, the wife yelled out, "Bell Four !!!!"


    "WOMAN ... What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" he asked.
    She replied, "Roll out more hose, mon, you ain't nowhere near de fire!"


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Tue 07 Jul 2009, 03:36

    Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

    Little Old Lady: I am 76 years old.

    Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened in the morning of April 1st?

    Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting on my swing on my front porch on a warm spring morning, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

    Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

    Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

    Defence Attorney: Please explain 'friendly'?

    Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh

    Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

    Little Old Lady:: No, I didn't stop him.

    Defence Attorney: Why not?

    Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

    Defence Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Lady: He began to touch my breasts.

    Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

    Little Old Lady: No, I certainly did not!

    Defence Attorney: Why ever not?

    Little Old Lady: His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

    Defence Attorney: What happened next?

    Little Old Lady: Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

    Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

    Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'

    And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
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    framarjoe
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    joke

    Post by framarjoe on Thu 23 Jul 2009, 06:52

    Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

    The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

    The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

    The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

    The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"


    Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

    Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"
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    MAN shopping

    Post by Guest on Wed 05 Aug 2009, 23:44

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her

    on her trips to target Unfortunately, like most men, I found

    shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out... Equally unfortunate, my

    wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.



    Dear Mrs. Alexander

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.

    We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the

    store..

    Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are

    documented by our video surveillance cameras.



    1. June 15:

    Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't

    looking.

    2. July 2:

    Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

    3. July 7:

    He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19:

    Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get

    on it right away? This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and

    receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union

    grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4:

    Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

    6. August 14:

    Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15:

    Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite

    them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to

    which twenty children obliged...

    8. August 23:

    When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't

    you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.

    9. September 4:

    Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked

    his nose.

    10. September 10:

    While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk

    where the antidepressants were.

    11.. October 3:

    Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission

    Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6:

    In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of

    funnels.

    13. October 18:

    Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

    yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 21:

    When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and

    screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
    And last, but not least:

    15. October 23:

    Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,

    'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.

    One of the clerks passed out.
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Sat 22 Aug 2009, 09:36

    At the Beach
    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
    For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a
    hat over his private parts.
    A woman walks past and says, snickering,
    "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
    He raised an eyebrow and replied,
    "If you were good-looking, it would lift itself!"
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Sun 23 Aug 2009, 17:22

    PLANE RIDE

    A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
    When the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker
    if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

    The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
    'What would you like to talk about?'

    'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger.'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

    'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
    'A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
    out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

    The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,thinks about it and says,
    'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

    To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
    shit?'


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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Mon 24 Aug 2009, 03:02

    true love......

    An elderly gent was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Darling, Honey, My Love, Pumpkin, Sweetheart, etc..

    The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

    While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over to his host, and said: "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

    The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, -- and I'm scared to death to ask the old bitch what it is."
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Mon 24 Aug 2009, 11:41

    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

    Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

    One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
    To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

    The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
    I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
    entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
    Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
    The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
    He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
    When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
    Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'




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    Moral???

    Post by Angelic on Thu 03 Sep 2009, 08:58

    This is a story about
    A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
    A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.



    There is a moral to this story.....

    In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

    The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,



    'Gosh...if I go down three inches

    I will feel the mist

    From the water and I will be refreshed.'


    There was a fish in the water thinking,



    'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

    There was a bear on the shore thinking,



    'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches

    That fish will jump for the fly...

    And I will grab the fish!!'

    It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank

    Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....



    'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...

    And that fish leaps for it...

    That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.

    I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'

    Now, you probably think this is

    Enough activity on one river bank,

    But I can tell you there's more....


    A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,



    'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...

    And that fish jumps for that fly..

    And that bear grabs for that fish...

    The dumb hunter will shoot the bear

    And drop his cheese sandwich.'



    A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

    (as was fashionable to do on the banks of

    This particular river around lunch time)



    'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..

    And that fish jumps for that fly

    And that bear grabs for that fish

    And that hunter shoots that bear..

    And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .....

    Then I can have mouse for lunch.'



    The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he

    Heads down for the cooling mist of the water.



    The fish swallows the fly...



    The bear grabs the fish..



    The hunter shoots the bear..



    The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich....



    The cat jumps for the mouse..

    The mouse ducks...



    The cat falls into the water and drowns.



    NOW, The Moral Of The Story....

    Whenever a fly goes down three inches,



    Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.



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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Sat 05 Sep 2009, 08:01

    A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
    The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
    "Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Angelic on Sat 05 Sep 2009, 18:35



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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Mon 16 Nov 2009, 07:49

    This is serious.

    Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping.

    Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic.

    Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

    Here's how the scam works:

    Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are
    packing your shopping into the boot.


    They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.


    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to
    another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco at Clapham South.


    You agree and they both get in the backseat.

    On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked.

    Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against

    you, while the other one steals your wallet!

    I had my wallet stolen on September 4th,




    9th,


    10th,

    twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th.


    Also on October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th,


    twice yesterday

    and very likely again this coming weekend!!


    P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl's are £1.75 and look better.
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Mon 16 Nov 2009, 17:33

    The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K.)

    These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) (Armageddon is coming !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

    Q. Name the four seasons
    A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

    Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
    A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

    Q. How is dew formed
    A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

    Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
    A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

    Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
    A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

    Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
    A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

    Q. What are steroids
    A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

    Q. What happens to your body as you age
    A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

    Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
    A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

    Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
    A. Premature death

    Q. What is artificial insemination
    A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

    Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
    A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

    Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
    A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What the *!!*???)

    Q. What is the fibula?
    A. A small lie

    Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
    A. Nearby

    Q. What is the most common form of birth control
    A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

    Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
    A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

    Q. What is a seizure?
    A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

    Q. What is a terminal illness
    A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

    Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
    A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

    Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
    A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

    Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
    A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

    Q. What is a turbine?
    A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

    Post by Guest on Sat 21 Nov 2009, 19:35

    On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a Petrol station
    in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, who knows
    nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner, completely
    unaware of who the golfing pro is.

    "Top of the mornin' to yer, sir," says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick
    "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

    As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
    "What are dose?, asks the attendant.

    "They're called tees," replies Tiger.
    "Well, what on the good God's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

    "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

    "Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting..."

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    Re: Let's smile, jokes :)

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